There is no heartbeat. I’m sorry.
Do you ever feel like you just woke up from an unusually long slumber? Everyone else was awake, life was moving along, but not for you. For you it stood still. Or rather seemed to. It makes me think of a scene in a movie where the main character is frozen in time but everyone else seems somehow to move faster.
You sat and stared into the distance at times just trying to grapple with the unimaginable the really.really.hard.
Recently we were told that the sweet baby we were so joyously expecting, had passed away.
But coming out of this heartbreaking experience has left me with some thoughts I want to share.
Living healthy matters. It’s really really important. How we are able to live and give in different seasons is wholly dependent upon our physical health. When you are nourishing your body, recharging the battery, strengthening your muscles for endurance, fortifying your soul when things are good you cannot be prepared for when things get hard. And that is one thing that is certain about this life. Things will get hard. It may just be via aging, or a heavy diagnosis, it may be a joyful pregnancy, whatever it is you will need your physical, mental, emotional strength that is cultivated from living healthy.
Living healthy doesn’t insulate you from hard. But things will still get hard. And it may be more than you can bear. And it may still feel like your body is the one letting you down. After lots of hard work. But the big truth here that you need to hold tight to is that strengthening our bodies (mind, body, and soul) is how we handle the challenges we will be given while being able to hold tight to Grace. It doesn’t mean you’ll get a free pass. ie. I took care of my body so I won’t have another miscarriage. I wish that were true, honey. From the depths of my soul I wish I could tell women that and it be the truth. But the Lord’s ways are not our ways. What I can tell you is you won’t regret being stronger. And the result will be your body being better able to carry the crosses that are sent your way.
Loss is ALWAYS hard. I had a feeling I was going to lose this baby. I don’t know why, I’ve never had a miscarriage before. So I worked through it before we got any bad news. I spent a day overwhelmed by the thought of what if. What will I do if…? How will I handle …? I’ve never lost a baby before what will it be like? What will our spring look like if it’s not in preparation for a baby? Then I spent some time in prayer. And the Lord in His abundant kindness said, “Enjoy every minute.”
I felt like I’d been hit upside the head, y’all. I was being called to enjoy every minute that the Lord gave me with my baby on this earth. If I had stayed ruminating I would have missed it. The days that I knew I was taking care of my little one with my healthy choices. The thoughts I had about how I would rejoice in telling my other kids about their new sibling. The way they would love on and enjoy a new sibling.
And looking back, I don’t wish I had spent more time wondering what was coming next.
"“It might be said that there are two forms of time. Time of the head and time of the heart. The first is psychological time, the time in our minds, which we make calculations about, and divide into hours and days to be managed and planned. This kind of time always goes either too fast or too slowly. But there is another sort of time, experienced at certain moments of happiness or grace, though it always exists. This is God’s time, the time o the deep rhythms of grace in our lives. It is composed of a succession of moments harmoniously linked. Each of those moments is complete in itself, full, because in it we do what we have to do, in communion with God’s will. That time is communion with eternity. It is time we receive as a gift. The devil slips into time we live badly because we are refusing something or grasping too eagerly at something else.” Interior Freedom by Fr Jacques Philippe
I’m no stranger to grief. The Lord has asked me to carry some heavy crosses. But one thing I learn with each loss that I have encountered is that no two losses are the same. And it’s not something you get ‘good at’. Unless perhaps you get better at trusting in the Lord, listening to that voice that tells you when you need to stop and rest, or knowing that grief happens in waves and looks different for everyone at all times. Which maybe are some of the only things that really matter to get ‘good at’ anyway. We should all focus on growing in Holiness, giving others grace because we are all walking around wounded, carrying crosses, and remembering to take care of what has been entrusted to us. While knowing in the end it matters in a way we can now comprehend.
Yearning for the normalcy of life to return. And yet being afraid that it will. Will the world be the same place? Am I the same woman? I know it is. But I am not. I am now forever different because of this tiny heart that beat inside of me.
What about you my friend? Are you finding yourself grieving a loss, or carrying something that feels too heavy for you? Spend some time gazing at the cross. Asking Him if you are holding onto something that He has asked you to lay down. Because that is one thing He has taught me still teaches me daily. To lay it down, at His feet. I need to remember to read the beautiful quote I put that I put on my water bottle and meditate on it more often, “The Lord will fight for you. Be still.”